


Post Mortem

by Jara257



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Mild Language, Original Character(s), Sexual References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3790831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jara257/pseuds/Jara257
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><a href="www.skulduggeryforums.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=6750.0">Sancti Mortem</a> argues with himself more often than he probably should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Post Mortem

**Author's Note:**

> This content is only very loosely based on the SP canon. It is purely for my OC Sancti Mortem here: http://www.skulduggeryforums.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=6750.0
> 
> I originally wanted to draw this out, but I knew it would take way too long, so here it is in fanfic format.

There were days Sancti was immensely thankful for modern technology. Since the Technological Revolution, electricity to manipulate during combat was more accessible than ever. Even as he sat stood outside, breathing another puff from his cigarette, he could feel the the energy buzzing through the air. The wifi signals emanating from other houses, that man on his phone, the woman jogging past with her earbuds in her ears, even the little boy playing with his gaming device in his room across the street.

Breathing in the fresh air that had been so absent in the mucky winter they’d had, he sighed. He needed this. A smoke, being outside, just being completely and utterly at...

His nose felt tickled.

“Damn it,” he muttered before he let out a violent sneez--

“-- _choo!_ ”

Sancti sniffed a bit and blearily looked around before realizing he had something his hand. His bottle of powder and his phone. It took only a moment before he rolled his eyes, contemplating actually answering the phone. Mortem obviously wanted to talk, but what was the point? It was probably the same drivel as always.

Setting down the bottle, he stared at his iPhone for a long moment. He sighed. He supposed he’d grant him this one small thing.

Sliding it open and entering the code, Sancti immediately headed for the phone’s notes. 

_Check photos_

He rolled his eyes once more. Probably something exceedingly lewd to tick him off again.

Tapping the colourful icon, he checked the camera roll an--

“Sancti! What the _fuck_?”

The Electrokinetic blinked. What?

Sancti’s own face filled the screen, but the face was different than his usually schooled features. It was contorted in rage, smoke simmering from his ears. Mortem, obviously. And although Mortem was blocking most of the screen’s view, Sancti was able to catch flashes of the background that made it apparent he was standing in the bedroom. Clearly his alternate wasn’t happy.

 _Like that’s abnormal,_ the mage thought.

“You spent my fucking betting money on _cigs_? Come on, this was gonna be big--I was gonna make at least ten times the money you spent on those useless sticks.”

His alternate raised a finger to the camera in a threatening manner. “You better get that money back by tonight--I need it.”

At that, the video abruptly ended. Sancti stared at the screen for the longest moment, astonished and rather flabbergasted. However, Sancti’s astonishment wore off quickly enough as his eyebrows came down to be knit together. That arrogant _idiot_.

Quickly hitting the record button, he held the phone up, his own features set into one of irritation. “Maybe I wouldn’t _need_ my cigarettes if you weren’t so damned _impossible_ all the time.”

“Besides, have you forgotten that we’re supposed to escort the transfer tonight? How are you supposed to bet on something if we have a _prior engagement_?”

Ending the recording, he promptly picked up his bottle of powder and took a whiff. Immediately, it irritated his nose and--

Sancti was sitting on the bed now. He wasted no time looking into the camera roll for Mortem’s response.

In the video, Mortem snorted. “I would’ve had enough time. Besides, I’m sure Tenacious isn’t gonna miss _one shipment_ anyway.”

“And why do you need to smoke anyway? You can’t use your fucking shit magic for that?”

Sancti’s eye twitched as he hit record again. “You’re infuriating! Of course I can’t produce smoke and you know that. Just like you can’t charge the _damn phone_ and keep using up all the power.”

The Pyrokinetic shrugged. “So? Not like you can’t recharge it yourself. What I have issue with is that you keep filling our lungs with that nasty tar--how am I supposed to snag someone if my breath smells like a tobacco field?”

Sancti gave a dry look, using a clearly mocking tone. “So? Not like you can’t clear them out yourself. And besides, it’s not like you don’t have your own vices.”

“Oh yeah? Like what? Leaving blood stained on your Persian carpeting or something?”

“No. Well, yes, but I’m talking about those damned mages you bring into the house all the time! Do you know how awful it is, waking up entwined with some random mage I’ve never seen before and covered in… disgusting fluids?!”

Sancti grit his teeth as his alternate had the _gall_ to snicker at him. “You feel a lot less stressed, don’t you?”

“As a matter of fact, no. I happen to feel a lot more stressed when I have to kick them out and I don’t know their _damned name_!”

“Hey,” Mortem gave a mock-chastising look, “Sarai was a very nice mage. You should have known that.”

Sancti’s eye twitched again. “ _Stop trying to pin this on me._ We’re going to end up catching an STD.”

“Pfft. Come on, we both know I can overheat any virus right outta our body.”

“ _That doesn’t make it anymore acceptable, Mortem._ "

“Ohh, getting personal with the names, are we? How uncharacteristic of you.”

“ _That’s it._ You asked for this. Say goodbye to your favourite brass knuckles.”

Shutting off the recording, he set the bottle to the side and immediately went for Mortem’s personal effects and pulled out said brass knuckles. Walking to the backyard, he held the blunt pair in front of him for a brief moment before tossing it up and firing a bolt directly at them, sending them flying. Watching the trajectory, he imagined they probably went at least a few streets over. No way his alternate was going to find them now.

Walking back inside, he promptly brought the bottle up. As it tickled his nose, it wasn’t lost on him that his olfactory senses were becoming more desensitized as this continued. Hopefully this was going to be the end of--

“Ah--

“ _choo_!”

Sancti blinked at the sudden change in environment. This was… odd to say the least. Clearly, he wasn’t in the house anymore and it seemed much later in the day judging by how much darker it was out the window. He felt soft sheets beneath him, ones that weren't his own and the air smelled like a musk was hanging about the dimly lit room. Strangely, he felt very.... relaxed as well. Albeit a bit drained, but still relaxed.

Honestly, he’d expected worse retaliation from his counterpart, but he had the feeling... 

“Martin? Martin, what’s up?”

Looking down, he could immediately see a stranger, a young mage lying in the foreign bed beside him. He seemed confused as Sancti immediately turned about, searching around the bed.

“Uh, looking for this?”

The German’s eyes shot up as the young man held up his silver iPhone. Snatching it up, the mage protested a little, but he ignored this in favour of unlocking his phone to find...

20 photos. All of them of himself and this young mage in various stages of debauchery, all the way from that bar Sancti explicitly told Mortem _never to go to_ all the way to here where they…

“Damned fucking _bastard_ ,” Sancti grit out as his hand sparked with electricity, watching the scene depicted in his phone unfold. Dear gods, was that even _possible_ to do?

The last one, the twentieth, was a video. It was Mortem, lying next to a sleeping young mage. He gave a wink and a cheeky smooch at the camera. “That’s for the brass knuckles. Have fun with Marco~!”

Sancti short-circuited the phone in his hand a second before the video ended.  
[/spoiler]


End file.
